Creating Destruction

I discovered something today, an escape if you will.

I was fired the other day. She asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I told her photography, I never mention my writing. Its my secret, whisperings of and empty face from behind anonymous keystrokes. She smiled then, like she knew me. It was the second time we met. “You’re creative then”. I treated her to another blank smile and responded with a small: “I guess so”.

I drove home in a daze, not a good way to be in the rain. The tracks of rubber on the old back road were a testament to that fact, pulling off the road I glanced down at my hands out of curiosity and took stock. Steady, nothing was different, not heartbeat, hands, nothing. Not even a hint of adrenaline. For the amount of rubber my tires had just left on the road I was emotionless. Continuing home I remained in the same state, empty.

All my life I’ve been destructive, destroying and scarring everything that I brush past, and now there was a new word. One that more people were starting to refer to me as ‘creative’. Tracing the scars on my hand, I pondered this for a while and began to create. Pen touched paper and blue ink began to outline my creation. And this I created: A character, a beautiful woman. For a while I immersed myself in her and reality faded. Her soft skin was mine, her eyes became my window to her world and I became her. My escape became her existential journey and, as one, we continued to create.

A man and woman’s voice became the soundtrack for my madness as something else faded into my creation. A buzz. A tinny vibration began once again inside my head reminding me that I wasn’t filling this created woman, but instead empty myself.  But within that emptiness was an irritation, not painful it was simply that an irritation. Maybe I was overstimulated, under-motivated, something.

Still nothing.

Take No Prisoners

It’s one of those days when there is music in the silence, when every sound is a dissonant chord somehow fitting into the tune. Cars rush by and I am out of sync with the world. I felt good about myself this morning, my hair was brushed and my boots clicked on the pavement. An appointment in an office, what a way to start my day.

He looked like a crazy, shaggy grey hair and a shirt not fully buttoned, but for some reason we clicked. Maybe it was the strength in his grip, or the way he never once said my name. “An Aquarian!” he said as he read my file, “My stepdaughter’s an Aquarian, she takes no prisoners.” Somehow, this made sense. We talked nothings for a while and he filled out his forms, every now and then looking up and appraising me deeply. There was nothing uncomfortable about the way his grey eyes took me in, right down to my soul, every millimetre. I had known him 45 minutes and was completely at ease. As I left the office, he gripped my hand once more.

“Don’t forget to enjoy your life” he said.

I felt good this morning...

...Until I thought of you.

Over the edge

I stand on the edge, between somewhere and nowhere in my mind, gazing of into the dark. Silently the falling tears surround me, flowing freely, a sparkle of diamonds in the moonlight. It was one of those times, where pain hit like a car crash and left no visible marks. When I just wanted to retreat, stay hidden inside myself. Out of everyone’s reach and away from the chaos of reality. Maybe in there I can be untouchable. When all i needed was the nothing that was just over that edge. Yet you held me, and tightly you held. There were no sweet nothings to be whispered here. Just a simple “Don’t be stupid!” as your embrace never wavered. We both knew what would happen is it did. Strength was available only as buckets of weakness and i couldn’t continue to hold my feet. If you ever dared to release me…

I just might fall.

Mask

Lying here, a voice begins to tell me.
You’re not good enough.
Never have been strong enough.
I won’t let you fix me I'll tell you I'm not broken.

Can you tell now I'm not breathing, alive but not living.
All smiles but not believing.
Soon I realise I cannot wake from these nightmares.
All along I was alone.
Suddenly you'll see through this

My mask has slipped at last, my tortured soul revealed. The makeup removed revealing the scars. And all my cover-ups disappear.....

Inside my mind a voice continues its  painful monologue:
you’re not good enough.
Never have been strong enough.
Hello I’m your world come back into me and continue your lie.
Pretend you don’t need fixing, your not broken.
Scorn the hand that only wants to save you.
It’s transparent anyway.
You couldn’t survive this reality
So why not create your own, hide in it where they can’t see you

So I’ll redo my makeup and find that smile to hide behind
its amazing how under that, all scars are invisible.
And I’m safe once more behind the mask.
I’ll freeze inside myself

And convince myself this pains dreaming and that I won’t wake alone.
This world and mine are blurring. Which is the one that’s real?
Now I cannot survive in either. While in both I live a lie.
Bathed in regret but still not clean.
Pouring out my sanity
I realise my mask cannot hide me from dying alone